1. the end where i begin- the script
2. all these things i've done- the killers
3. everyday- toby lightman
4. river- joni mitchell
5. grace is gone- dave matthews band
6. best i'ver be -sister hazel
7. why should i cry for you- sting
8.nothing- the script
9. sugar we're going down- fall out boy
10. the man who can't be moved- the script
11. breakeven- the script
12. the space between- dave matthews band 
13. nothing lasts forever- maroon 5
14. back to black- amy winehouse
15. what hurts the most -rascal flatts
16. i can't make you love me.

the problem i have with hardcore activists is that at some point, they become what they hate the most about their enemies.

narrow minded. ignorant. detached. 

i actually have the same opinion about the self-righteous, self-important artiste types who think that people who don't read what they read, listen to what they listen to, watch what they watch, think how they think are lesser human beings.

i suppose growing up i had the opportunity to get all artsy fartsy blah blah blah intellectual, but i blew it because...because. 

while i suppose i would not be able to engage a more informed person in a debate about social, philosophical whatever -al issues, i'm okay with that.

just don't go all long winded on me then apologize for the verbosity in an annoying self-deprecating manner. it's not the whatever conscience driven intellectual blah in you.  it's really just  the  craptastically arrogant shit in you. 

i cannot write. i can not say what i feel right now.  if i start, i might never stop.

 in my mind this line is on repeat.  

can i forgive? should i forgive? should it matter? does it matter to you? they say it doesn't.

fuck you. 

 i had a long, late night conversation with an old friend last night about a mutual friend of ours. 

i now have a more complete picture of what's been happening.  of course the thought of our mutual friend hitting on more gels than he told me about during a supposedly heartfelt conversation has been a very jarring thing.  it actually makes me wonder what else he hasn't been forthright about. 

is it enough of a game changer? should i walk away? should i stop being there for him and consign him to the deepest darkest recesses of my mind? should i just give up on him?

i want to. but somehow, i feel like he needs a friend, and i suppose i will have to do in a pinch, considering how his entire circle is not so fond of him right now.  

it wouldn't be right to abandon ship right now.



would it? 

 i feel so powerless in the face of your pain.

at the same time i feel so angry at you.  you're taking the coward's way out, leaving it to others to pick up the pieces.   

what am i supposed to do? wait until the next time you collapse in tears? am i supposed to be the shoulder you cry on, the shoulder no one even knows about, especially considering the circumstances?

i  decided to be your friend, but it's so difficult.  because i've been expecting a better person out of you, and i haven't seen it yet. and i simply don't think you're capable of letting this painful experience make you a stronger and  better man.  

(and i still can't get over the knowledge that you were proclaiming one thing and doing another.) 

i have no idea how long this resolve of mine will hold.  or when i will decide to just shove you in the out tray of people who have wasted my time. 
 

 hey you. 

this entire thing you're going through hurts like hell, i'm sure.  and the despair and the anger and the loss are totally overwhelming. 

but do you think the way you're going will help you any? 

this refusal to see your mistakes for what they are,  blaming people for the situation you're in.  always incapable of acknowledging your wrongdoing without qualification. 

YOU fucked up. you messed up big time. and the consequences, while obviously catastrophic, were not unforeseeable. 

and now you hurt like you've never been before, and you take to the ether to bemoan your fate.

you think creative medicine will solve your problems? you think the high won't fade? you think your headache won't come back? 

you think you won't wake up? 

that "even for a while make it go away" mentality, in the face of the many things you have to man up for, is undeserving of sympathy.


the hole you're i now is truly deep.  but there's still a way out.  and if you think your friends who provide you with alternative, illegal modes of escaping reality are truly your friends, think again.

i stand ready to be here for you, but i refuse to put up with further damage you inflict on yourself. 

i have enough shit of my own to deal with. 

there are moments. 

i pray that you're okay. that you're finding your way. that you won't lose what you have left (if it's true that you have little left, because til now i still sort of don't believe you) 

i pray for my dad, that his troubles just go away, that he be allowed to live out the rest of his years in peace and happiness and relative comfort and health. (he deserves that much because he has been a good father AND mother and god knows i have been a pain.) 

i pray that i will one day be honest enough to acknowledge that you, my one and only genuinely adorable nerd,  are truly the one good break i have had in these miserable years.  

karma has been quite the bitch to me this year and the last year.  i was selfish and arrogant and too confident that i wouldn't be punished because others hadn't been.  i've never been a bigger fool in my life.  

i have had to uproot myself, literally and figuratively.  

living alone is truly a lonely thing when at night you remember that just last year you were planning for this year.  

i have found myself crying in remembrance of unrealized plans while washing my dishes, stacking my clothes, walking to the elevator.  the frustration of knowing i COULD'VE been somewhere else kills me.  indeedy it does.  but i suppose i can't cry so much in front of other people anymore. 

the place i now call my school underscores that loneliness, that alone-ness.  i feel like a fish thrown out of the water, fins flapping uselessly, gasping at air i can't properly process.  i think in disjointed sentences, and words float at me then rush-so fast- past me, and i grasp at them and all i catch are useless mindless pronouns that refer to nothing.  

and not to feel totally intellectually arrogant or anything (BECAUSE HELLO? i am here in this new school for a reason), but quite a few of them are dumbfucks of the highest order, and more often than not hearing them recite makes me want to alternately laugh and cry like the blubbering idiot i have discovered i am.  

as much as i am wont to despair about this particular lot i have drawn for what i thought was already quite the miserable life (hello deadbeat mom who only remembers me to ask for money),  and i am constantly reminded that people who don't particularly like me (quits, cause i don't particularly like them either) are going on quite blissfully with theirs (and i am left, standing still), i cannot stand any still-er and throw my books and stupid readings down and cry some more.  i have a father to help, sisters to support.  i cannot cry too much anymore.  

this year i thought i'd forgotten how to pray.  after all i am not the most religious of people, and my half-assed lipstick feminism and confused values have put me at odds with the church i was born to now more than ever.  

i did forget how to pray.  i forgot to be thankful for small things, like how in times of financial trouble my family has avoided major upheaval (new baby by argh sister does not count), my father is not as sick as two packs of cigs and not a few bottles of beer a day would lead one to assume he would be. we are not the shiniest pennies in the fountain. but we are not hideous, and we have managed to graduate and head on to post-graduate degrees and post-graduate lives.

i forgot how to pray, except for maybe the by rote mumbling of asilaymedowntosleepipraythelordmysoultokeepandifidiebeforeiwakeipraythelordmysoultotake.  

and i suppose for all my uneducated and unsophisticated views on religion and dogma and blah blah blah i forgot that somehow i had always managed to hold on to my belief in a greater being, one who would see me through no matter what, no matter how big of an annoying ignorant asswipe i could be.  


i forgot. and i let go. and he (i always see him as a guy because the best person in my life next to j is my dad and that counts right?) probably let go of me too.  

and here i am now.  alone with my lonely lonely lonely memories of this point (or thereabouts) last year.  

recently though i went on a tour of some provinces with a couple of friends.  that tour included visits to a lot of churches.  they took photos, i sat and tried to remember how to pray.  i remember reading in one of the endless kennedy biographies i used to love about how visiting a new church gives you three wishes.  we went to maybe eight churches (i forget), so there were lots of wishes.

i think some stray wishes went to the happiness of my sisters, my love for j, the future of my nephews.  but mostly i prayed for my dad. because in my lonely time i think of him, and how old he's become, and how tired.  

and i know that at any time HE might decide to let my dad get some rest.  so i prayed mostly for him.  and if god still has a shred of love for me, ungrateful wretch that i am, perhaps he will give me at my dad for as long as he is happy? 

since then, and especially during my lonely alone time, i have found myself thinking of prayer, and faith, and how i truly want to believe that somewhere out there is a god who grants wishes and gives daughters a chance to prove their dads right and take care of their dads and make their dads happy.   and i hope that i'm not too late in believing.  even if the intense believers of the world are so annoying about their god-loving praise thing. 

and every now and then i pray for you.  that i stop feeling this overwhelming hurt whenever i think of you.  because i have absolutely no right to think of you that way.  

i don't get a clean slate.  i think i've used up my quota of clean slates.  


all the same i pray.  




 

a multiple heartache veteran knows the songs to avoid in times of extreme sadness. 

1. need you now -lady antebellum
2. king of pain -the alanis unplugged version
3. i won't cry- profyle
4. chasing pavements -adele
5. when can i see you again-babyface
6. tracks of my tears- the boyz2men motown collection version
7. end of the road -boyz2men
8. ask the lonely- the vonda shepard version
9. you belong to me- vonda shepard version
10. champagne high - sister hazel
11. bright lights - matchbox twenty
12. last chance -allure
13. i'd still say yes -the braxtons
14. heartless- kanye west
15. all at once -whitney houston
16. where do broken hearts go -whitney houston
17. you wanted more -tonic?
18. that's it, i quit, i'm movin' on -adele version
19. love me when i'm gone -three doors down
20. harbor -vienna teng
21. white horse -taylor swift
22. tender- feeder
23. 2am (breathe) -anna nalick
24. all i want is you -u2
25.  kandi- one eskimo

did it never once occur to you that goodbye would rip from me whatever shred of happiness i could grab from a day?

did you never think that your pain is not the only pain a human being could feel?

did you never once think that, after saying goodbye to me, to visit me and tell you of the things that pain you, the things that keep you from sleeping, the things that twist so daggerlike into your super cliched heart of hearts, would cause me never ending never ceasing ever repeating ever reverberating pain?

never once before your eyes closed to a miserable day. did you never once consider pain other than your own? 

did you never once consider pain that comprehends your own, and surpasses your own? 

never once?

but then again you have always been about YOU.  you were always about YOU.

 you will ALWAYS BE about you.

i don't exactly know how i'm supposed to feel.  

what is the weight of an apology? how much trust should i place in one given by someone who has been habitually dishonest?

no longer the passion, no longer the excitement. 

only this sense of inevitability, this sense of finality.  

it is taking every little bit of my self control to not click on those stupid twitpics she's been posting.

every little bit.

 

you're always in motion. 

is that part of the attraction or part of the restraining factor?

i like being still.  i like being silent in stillness. feeling the air move around and over me. hearing nothing but fan blades whirring and pages fluttering in time with the wind passing. 

i listening to fragments of songs and associating them with fragments of memories.  a cold rainy night, conversations outside my house in your car. that first, long ago and far away kiss. the dread of the last kiss.

i like the stillness of quiet days.  people assume that in a 27 square meter box a person could go crazy being alone all day. having grown up in a crowded home, though, the silence and stillness is a calming force i have come to appreciate.   

you, enjoying stillness with me. 

but you are always in motion. and while i love new places and hope to someday see more, i am too still a person.  

 happy day, kyot. 

was i sending out pissed off vibes a while ago? the call soliciting a greeting was a bit weird.  

i hope you had a great day.  i'm sure lunch with her was fun. 

had dinner with a former adversary tonight. it was a good dinner.

i used to not like her, she used to not like me. 

didn't know why then.  (you'd think they'd all love my sunshiny personality. but no.) but i got it soon enough. and got over it soon enough.

it's a nice feeling. becoming friends with someone you never thought you could ever be friends with.  

it gives me hope. 

 your birthday's tomorrow, but i won't see you or get to greet you properly. sucks.

one of these days, i will find the courage to sever ties. 

one day. i will see all those things that i know are wrong about you, and i will see them for what they are.  reasons to walk away and not look back. 

one day.

sooner.

 hello dead person. i think you had the whole circles of hell thing wrong. 

there are more circles. 

eternal pain from repeated loss. lack of satisfaction in parting. listening to idiots, unable to escape. eternally deluded people, who think they write better because they love polysyllabic words.  grammatically deficient people.  repeat offenders. 

i move for a revision. 

 oh, tax, why do you hate me so? and why do i hate you so?

we need each other. i need to learn you so i can finally get to where i want, you need me to learn you so i can be gainfully employed and i can pay you.

can't we do this? 

please?

 a little mutual bird told me that someone told her that the reason you ended things with someone i truly hold dear is not that you needed time and space for some serious game, but that you were playing a serious game. 

i know you know what i'm talking about.

you better not have been. 

i have been playing fast and loose with my life and my values, but i do not take kindly to people screwing my friends over. 

not that i ever really liked your face as it is now, but you're lucky i don't put a lot of stock in double triple hearsay. or else YOU wouldn't really like your face either. 

the preceding disquisition, of course, is predicated on the assumption that you did not royally fuck me over.

should i be mistaken in that generous assumption of mine, rest assured. i dig deep deep deep inside me to store a tiny nugget of hate and to revisit and let simmer in quiet burning.  that nugget will be kept company by desire to do some fucking over of someone myself. 

toodles. :)

 i should be raging at the gods. at fate. at the fact that i don't know how to soundproof my place so i can play angsty music all night and not have snarky admin guard knock on my door and tell me to tone it down for the benefit of my non-insomniac neighbors. 

the skies should forever be in the middle of light and endless night for me.  i shouldn't be able to taste the tomato in the lasagna. my eyes should barely be able to open for the crying it should be doing. 

forgetting should be a lifetime in the making. 


it was love, wasn't it? so the end of it could only be a raging break, a gaping chasm i can't fill with denial widening with every day it does not start again? 

time starts and stops and even now i hear it stutter as i search for a feeling i know i should have. 

my heart should be breaking. crumbling into never-again-to-be-put-together pieces. 

i have felt it before. break, i mean.

i have stood before in the rain without an umbrella, unable to tell between raindrops and tears, unable to walk forward or take back what i gave.  able only to glance at his car speeding away from me.  thereafter unable to stop myself from watching cars drive away from me. away from me. 

i have drowned in alcohol, and bankrupted myself in the doing.  i have deleted messages to save the last ones that mattered. the ones that made me smile all giddy the first time around.  i have stayed in bed all day, refusing to open my eyes and acknowledge that new day means no more.  

i have written so many words infused with pain and regret and loss and the knowledge that i once had him that words of pain are common to me, easily summoned when needed. 

i've felt it break before, so painfully, i thought, never again.  


so i know break. i know pain. i know damage. i know loss. 

so why is my heart not pounding an endless beat into my head? why can i not remember the last time i saw you, or the last time you held me? or the last words of love you gave me? 

where is the crying to accompany the rain? 


after all the words we promised each other one would think the taking back of said words would cause the earth to tilt in its axis and my day to have no new beginning. 

but my life has not stopped in its often disastrous and permanently off kilter tracks.


but my tomorrow is planned.  

the day after tomorrow, too.  

so, i wonder, it was love, wasn't it? after all, we spoke so surely of it.  i could almost convince myself it was an always thing. 

i expected its end, because my stupidity does not always lend itself to permanent delusions, and i expected never-ending tears making tracks down my face.   i expected your loss to be a blow so fierce it would manifest itself in the physical plane. 


after all those words, i did not expect this much of nothing. because while there was anger, the default reaction of the duped, there was not enough pain to warrant any episode of drunkenness. there was contempt, and self flagellation for being mean to the down and out.  but there was no wistfulness, no plan to beg for a chance. 

either i found my pride, or i lost my faith in the forever of promises. 

anyway. 


you were a first, of sorts, for me.  not, to borrow miz crow's words, my "favorite mistake", but surely in the top ten. and certainly a mistake i should take care to not repeat, if i want to salvage what is left of my stock of good karma.


i thought it fitting that my first post here in this newfangled blog be of you.